”...then I have to take him.”
Q: What’s the difference between having a boundary and having an expectation?
Coleman takes the bus to school.
I have set an expectation for him - something that I expect him to do.
The expectation is that he will get ready early enough before school that he has time to walk to one of the multiple bus stops near our house and take the bus to school.
I think I also have a boundary. An imaginary line that he is not allowed to cross…or else!
Here’s the boundary I’ve set: I will not take him to school or to the bus if he’s late.
But then I drive him to the bus stop or all the way to school regularly.
I complain and think things like, “He doesn’t get up in time to make the bus and then I have to take him!”
I say, “Coleman! You need to be more responsible because I shouldn’t have to take you all the time!”
Sound familiar?
Now, let’s break this down:
Here’s the hard truth:
It’s my choice to take him to school in the mornings.
I know. I want to think that he is “making me” take him by being late.
But he isn’t.
He does not force me into the car and make me drive.
He does not physically move me to put on my shoes and jacket, to grab the keys, to start the car.
Over and over. Day after day.
I do that.
It is my choice to NOT HONOR the boundary I have set for myself.
That is what’s happening here.
I realized this truth recently (mid-complaint).
It dawned on me that Coleman is not making me do anything.
I have a lot of options besides driving him day after day.
I could let him scooter to school and be late (I know, the horror! But I promise…that IS an option here).
I could have him stay home if he misses the bus.
I could make him call the school office and explain why he will be late to school that day and make him walk.
I could yell and tell him he’s a loser and he better get up earlier tomorrow.
I could go wake him up myself and hound him out the door.
There are options here.
Who do we set boundaries for?
We set boundaries for ourselves.
Boundaries are not for someone else to honor, they are for me to honor.
A boundary is what I will do if something happens - not what I want HIM to do.
Coleman’s job isn’t to honor my boundary.
That’s my job.
And I recently realized that I’m not doing it.
When it dawned on me that this was what was happening, I had to have a real heart-to-heart with myself.
It didn’t last long but it was kind of uncomfortable.
I had to tell myself that I wasn’t honoring my boundary of not driving him to school when he misses the bus.
I didn’t want to admit that to myself.
It meant that I couldn’t blame it all on Coleman.
And that feels uncomfortable.
But I decided to be honest with myself.
And made a decision.
Coleman still has the expectation of making the bus on time.
I would like him to do that.
But I am willing to drive him to the bus or to school.
Every morning even.
This is where I got honest with myself: I don’t really want to honor the boundary I set that I won’t take him to school when he’s late for the bus.
So, instead of complaining that he isn’t following my expectation, instead of thinking that he is somehow not respecting my boundaries, I’m owning up to it.
I’ll take him to school when I’m available.
And I don’t complain about taking him.
Because it’s my choice.
And I can choose something different at any point.
But thinking that Coleman isn’t respecting my boundary won’t be the issue.
Me deciding that I’m ready to respect a boundary I set for myself will be the issue.
I’m really curious if any of this resonates with you.
Did you kind of cringe a little because you have had the same conversation at your house?
My clients all share one desire.
No matter where they are in life, what their family looks like, no matter how old or young they are, they all want one thing:
A closer relationship with someone important to them.
Sometimes it’s their child.
Sometimes their partner or spouse.
Sometimes their mom or sister or dad.
Maybe a coworker or employee.
They always want to feel closer.
More connected.
More on the same page.
Less arguing and frustration, more unity.
More calm.
More joy.
More peace.
It sounds like this bus story is a small thing.
But it’s not.
Because I know how to change small things like this, mine and Coleman’s relationship is better.
We thrive.
And we argue.
And he doesn’t do what I want him to do all of the time.
But we still thrive.
Because I know how to manage my thoughts about our relationship.
I know how to manage my thoughts about how I want to behave.
I know how to manage my thoughts about expectations I set for him.
My clients work with me for 4 months at a time.
In about one quarter of the year, you learn the tools you need to do this, too.
The next step is to reply to this email or send me a message.
We’ll chat about where you feel friction in your life and how you can change that.
Q: What’s the difference between having a boundary and having an expectation?
Knowing how to use each one will change everything.
I want that for you.
Sending love,
K
